1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000,whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn' t get out of" (Love it!)

6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.

10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from)Billy Bob's Barbecue.

11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".

This is hilarious! When you think you're having a bad day, watch this.

Flavored Cookies
Ingredients:

3/4 Cup Hot Water or Bouillon, or Meat Juices
1/3 Cup Oleo or Margarine (not butter)
1/2 Cup Powdered Milk
1 Egg, beaten
3 Cups Whole Wheat Flour

Preparation:

In large bowl, pour hot water or stock over oleo or margarine. Stir in powdered milk and egg. Add flour 1/2 Cup at a time, mix well after each addition. Knead 3 or 4 minutes, adding more flour if necessary to make stiff dough. Pat or roll to 1/3 to 1/2 inch thickness and cut out shapes with a cookie cutter or for little ones, cut with a wet knife into tiny squares.

Place on a greased baking sheet with 1/4 to 1/2 inch space between each one and bake in 325F oven for 50 minutes. Allow to cool completely. May be stored in zip type bag or cookie jar or tin. Makes approx. 1 1/4 pounds.

Keep in refrigerator for up to 4 weeks.

First-year students at the Texas A&M school of Veterinary Medicine were receiving their first anatomy class with a dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them,'In Veterinary Medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.'

The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes.But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and then sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid!'

Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring through the southern United States and stops to entertain at a small bar in Texas. He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says, "I've heard just about enough of your smart ass hillbilly jokes. We ain't all stupid here in the South."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee."
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Tennessee

In the mountains of Tennessee there is a gaunt hillbilly who is still untouched by the complexities of modern economics. He depends on the nearby river and forest for his fish and meat, grows a few vegetables, and drinks spring water. A neighbor visited him recently and urged him to wise up, move to a city and get a job in a factory that was paying high wages.
"You ain't getting anywhere just staying here where you was born, doin' nothin'," the neighbor said.

"Ain't gettin' nowhere?" the hillbilly exclaimed. "I wouldn't say that! When my pappy died and left me, I didn't have nothin'. But look at me now. I got nine dogs!"