Hella Good



Don't Speak


Hey Baby

"I'll get this one, next one is on you." = Happy hour is about to end....now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.

"You get this one, next round is on me." = We won't be here long enough to get another round.

"I haven't seen you around here for a long time." = You stuck up little twit, too good for your old friends??

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?" = I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

"I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) = You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

"I don't feel well, lets go home." (male) = I'm horny.

"What do you have on tap?" = What's cheap?

"I've had like 10 beers already." = I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

"Excuse Me." (male to male) = Get the #%*! out of the way.

"Excuse Me." (male to female) = I am going to grope you now.

"Excuse Me." (female to male) = Don't even think about groping me, just get the #%*! out of the way.

"Excuse Me." (female to female) = Move your fat butt. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. And Get your eyes off of my man.

"I don't have my ID on me." (female) = I'm 19.

"I don't have my ID on me." (male) = I am actually 45, but the 22 year old girl I brought thinks I am 30.

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"

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A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"

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A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!

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A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

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I hope no one will take offense to these jokes. They are just jokes! Some people tend to take things too seriously. Lighten up ok, and have a little sense of humor! It's good to laugh once in awhile.

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato

had eyes for each other,

and finally they got married,

and had a little sweet potato,

which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time,

they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out

and getting half-baked,

so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed,

and get a bad name for herself like

'Hot Potato,'

and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry,

no Spud would get her into

the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand

she wouldn't stay home

and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise

so as not to be skinny

like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe,

Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam

to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland.

And the greasy guys from France

called the French Fries.

And when she went out west,

to watch out for the Indians

so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on

the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate

with those high class Yukon Golds,

or the ones from the other side of the tracks

who advertise their trade

on all the trucks that say,

'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U.

(that's Potato University)

so that when she graduated

she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her,

one-day Yam came home and announced

she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't

possibly marry Tom Brokaw

because he's just.......

Are you ready for this?

Are you sure?

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OK! Here it is!

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A COMMON TATER

A woman walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful
diamond bracelet, and walks over to inspect it. As she bends
over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't
pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form
of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the
salesman greets the woman with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help
you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have
been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir,
what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going
to shit when I tell you the price."