1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then, it hit me.
2. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
4. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
5. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
6. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
7. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
8. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
9. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
10. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
11. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, UCLA.
12. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
13. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
14. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
15. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
16. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
17. The optometrist fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself. (That's a story that lens itself.)
18. A backward poet writes inverse.
19. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
20. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
21. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
22. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
23. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
24. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
25. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
26. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
27. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
28. His parents thought he was a budding genius, but he turned out to be a blooming idiot.
29. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
30. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
31. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
32. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
33. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
34. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

I got this in an e-mail and I never knew this before.
I wonder just how many people do know about this.

~ A 36 year old female had an accident several weeks ago and totaled her car. A resident of Kilgore, Texas she was traveling between Gladewater & Kilgore. It was raining, though not excessively, when her car suddenly began to hydro-plane and literally flew through the air. She was not seriously injured but very stunned at the sudden occurrence!

When she explained to the highway patrolman what had happened he told her something that every driver should know - NEVER DRIVE IN THE RAIN WITH YOUR CRUISE CONTROL ON. She thought she was being cautious by setting the cruise control and maintaining a safe consistent speed in the rain.

But the highway patrolman told her that if the cruise control is on when your car begins to hydro-plane and your tires lose contact with the pavement, your car will accelerate to a higher rate of speed making you take off like an airplane. She told the patrolman that was exactly what had occurred.

The patrolman said this warning should be listed, on the driver's seat sun-visor - NEVER USE THE CRUISE CONTROL WHEN THE PAVEMENT IS WET OR ICY, along with the airbag warning. We tell our teenagers to set the cruise control and drive a safe speed - but we don't tell them to use the cruise control only when the pavement is dry.

The only person the accident victim found, who knew this (besides the patrolman), was a man who had had a similar accident, totaled his car and sustained severe injuries.

NOTE: Some vehicles (like the Toyota Sienna Limited XLE) will not allow you to set the cruise control when the windshield wipers are on.
This is important information. Like I said, I didn't know about this.....do you?

Hero


Bailamos


Tired Of Being Sorry

A Smile From God!

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying,
"For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband."
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband' thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! the husband became 92 years old.



The moral of this story:

Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.